Finding

Breast vs Bottle

2012-02-11T16:56:00.001+13:00

Recently here in NZ the breast vs bottle debate came up AGAIN.

NZ All blacks player Piri Wipu filmed an anti smoking ad for TV... but it seems in the ad there was footage of him feeding his baby a bottle. WELL what a hoopla. That footage was cut. People were up in arms.

My opinion:

WHO THE HECK CARES....

As parents most of us (with the exception of people who beat and abuse their children) do the best we can with what we have available to us and what we are capable of doing.

I personally have bottle fed one child from just over a week old. Then I followed up with breast feeding the next two for 6months before putting them fully on bottles (they did have the odd formula feed from around 4-5months).

My oldest child .. Mr formula is a healthy (actually my most healthy) child. He was loved, cared for, doted on, and fed well. He was snuggled and fed bottles, he had the same love and attention the others had (probably more being the first and all).

I don't get the hoopla.
I truly do not care if you formula feed or breast feed. All I care about is that you actually feed your child suitable food.
I do not think any of us should judge a mother for how she chooses to feed her child.

Yes in an ideal world breast feeding would be easy, and everyone would be able to do it, and the world would be covered in rainbows and unicorns.

Yes breast milk is costarred the perfect food for babies.

BUT at what expense?

For some woman there are other issues at play here, some cant feed, some have other obstacles that make it difficult or just not appealing (depression, anxiety, health issues, sexual abuse or rape), some just plain don't want to. Who are to judge when we do not know their past, their story and the reasons of their choice. But then again why does it matter? They are feeding their baby, yes?? Their child is loved, yes?? Then congratulate them on a lovely baby, for the good job they are doing and walk away.

We all have different priorities, goals, views on parenting and all that comes with this amazing job. For some breastfeeding is almost a lifestyle choice for others its just not the biggest priority. Lets all focus on our own families, lets encourage friends in their choices but let them actually make their own choices. If you are pro breastfeeding then wave that flag high, but don't judge others, don't make people who cant or don't feel like a bad parent, show the world breastfeeding is beautiful and amazing but leave the judgement and hate at the door.

I am always so amazed this debate gets so heated. I can see both sides to the story.
I do not see why we cant just leave each other alone to make their own choices.
Having a baby being fed formula on the TV is not going to make people stop breastfeeding, but it might just make a mother somewhere who is struggling with her choice to bottle feed feel a little less alone, judged and like a failure.

Current FAV dink

2012-02-10T13:42:00.001+13:00

I discovered this instant peach flavoured iced tea... and LOVE it.
I usually make it up in my drink bottle and top it up with ice. So good.
I think I need to find a way to make my own peach iced tea though as its a little expensive when you want to drink it all day long.

Any tips on making my own please share.

Loving my snowman ice cubes? me too.

I am always going through new food/drink phases... I like to try new things and keep it interesting.
Whats your current food/drink fav?

PS.. Today I went to Starbucks and tried a coconut mocha..... so good. Love coconut anything.

My thrifty finds

2012-02-08T21:00:00.000+13:00

I love a little thrift shopping.
Earlier this week I had the urge so grabbed a few bags of things i had to donate and wandered to my nearest thrifty shop St Vincent de Paul. Its a little shop that I don't go to often but just wanted a little dig.

I got a few bits of kiddo clothing, a cute tray, a scarf for myself and two aprons to add to my small but growing collection.

No amber glass this time (sad face), I am currently also on the search for enamel coated pie plates and trays for cooking in (just love them), more funky retro thermos flasks, the so far elusive vintage Pyrex (why oh why do others find it so easily on thrifting adventures), preserving jars, cool coloured little glass bottles, and just cute vintage kitchen goodies and linens.

But really its just the fun of the hunt I enjoy.

Wordless (almost) wednesday

2012-02-08T20:51:00.001+13:00

Hiding at the end of his bed putting on socks. I think the huge smile on my face while watching him made him nervous so he hid... He is C.U.T.E.

Keys

2012-02-04T15:45:00.000+13:00

The week of key drama.

On Tuesday we pick up the Zeke at 5pm.
We walk home.
Gabe asked for the keys so he could walk ahead of us and unlock the house.
I get there moments later and the keys are.....
ON THE ROOF...
I always meant to get a spare key cut to hide somewhere or give to someone in case of emergency.
But I never did.
We tried to get them down.
We couldn't.
After several phone calls (yah cellphones).
I got hold of my mums partner... told him the story.
He arrived with a ladder and saved the night.

On Friday I did errands in town and called into my mums for a cuppa.
I got home at lunchtime.
I had lost my key somewhere while I was out.
I wasn't sure what to do.
I tried all the windows.
There was a small up high window open.
I figured maybe I could squish a kiddos through after school.
I didn't want to break a window if I could help it.
I called into a friends house and waited.
I got home, decided to something under the window for us to climb on.
Then wondered if I could reach through the top window and possible unlatch the bottom window.
I could.
I popped the Zeke through the window and got him to unlock the back door.

I now know i need to get a key cut... asap.
No more key dramas please.

A moment of clarity

2012-02-01T20:09:00.003+13:00

Sometimes I feel like I have no idea what I am doing, where I am going, or what I want to be doing.
I feel like I am kinda just fluking it.

Then other times something comes along that shakes me up and makes me really see things clearer.

I was directed to THIS quiz kinda post.... and it opened my eyes.
I didn't have any answers to the first question.... because I find it hard to see my "talents" but the rest were easily answered and gave me a real idea of just where my destination it and what direction my first steps need to be.

It was a cool post and I am so glad I came across it.

I have not been taking any photos the last week. Its not like me. I have no pics to share :(

Miss Charlie pulled out her tooth tonight.
I have two kiddos stationery on my kitchen table that I need to cover over the next few days.
the Zeke and i had an accidental date with my dad today, we went to McCafe for coffee and he was there too, it was fun.
Then we had takeaways with Aunty & cousins for tea (ooops two takeaways for the Zeke in one day)
Gabe had a friend over today, that makes me happy.
I have no eftpos card right now and that feels odd.
my lawnmower wont start and its getting jungle like in my yard.
my kids are awesome.
The end.

Random

2012-01-31T22:05:00.000+13:00

A new school year started today.
I happily packed lunches and sent the two big kiddos off to school.
The Zeke happily took control of the TV and got to pick shows with no arguments for a while and happily had me all to himself.
I pottered with housework and got caught up with washing.

Then the kick ass bit of the day happened.
Because my darlings were all off for the afternoon I could race to the hospital to visit my friend and her new baby in the nicu. I couldn't visit when the kiddos were all home as no kids in the nicu.
I got to see my friend and have a wee snuggle with her 5lb baby boy. OHHH MYYYY. He is Divine and I just want to snuggle him forever.
I cannot wait to watch this little man grow.
Babies are the best.

______________________________________________________________________

I am sitting here tonight listening to the rain on the window beside me, enjoying the slight chill in the temp night has delivered as its been so very muggy today, Crazy winds but hot as heck.

I have struggled with my depression alot lately, falling into a bit of a low patch. Feeling the weight of my worries on the shoulders. its a hard thing to deal with as most people just don't have an understanding of what its like. Mostly I just try and fake it til I make it and get on with things but I am grateful for a couple of ladies who understand and let me empty my worries out and help me sort it all back into order and make a plan. These two ladies give me a place to fall when I need it and for that I am grateful.

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Random little tidbits...

I am so excited to hear Sons of Anarchy (TV show) has been guaranteed 3 more years. YES

I am looking forward to season two of Game of thrones in a few months.

I am currently watching Big Love.. Random but I am enjoying it.

Right now I am reading "The Paris wife" by Paula McLain and really enjoying it.

the Zeke and I are laughing nightly to the books "Who flung dung" its a funny read for those with little kiddos.

I need to get back into readying the Narnia books to Charlie.. I started and kinda just stopped. Ops.

Gabe just finished the latest Diary of a wimpy kid book "Cabin fever" and said it was his favourite so far.

Sorry for the random post... :)

Chocolate chip hair goodies

2012-01-27T20:09:00.000+13:00

Today with the help of the two big kiddos we raced around cleaning up the house so it would be semi tidy for visitors... then they cancelled... Always the way. But I was able to enjoy the house a bit tidier than usual. School holidays are not kind to my house.

Luckily the visitors are coming tomorrow instead. I love hanging with friends I don't see as often as I should.

Today has been rainy and cold. I don't like it one bit, its meant to be summer people.

I did manage to make a new headband for Charlie and I to share

and miss Charlie with her hair clip I made last night

my gosh I need a camera... my cell phone is not cutting the mustard.

I also managed a little baking today (miss Charlie also make some chocolate chip cookies but I didnt get pics... ooops)

Banana and chocolate chip

Its very yummy and was a great way to use up the over ripe bananas.

I'm doing a big clean up tonight hoping that when I wake up tomorrow the kiddos will not have destroyed it too badly. Cant wait to see my lovely friend and her wee girl.

Have a happy weekend all.

A crafting moment

2012-01-26T21:39:00.000+13:00

Well after saying earlier today I wished I made more time to craft.. I decided to make it happen. While the Zeke was at preschool and the older two were entertained I sat down and played with scrap fabric and my glue gun and made some fabric rosette thingys. I only got a few made but it was a nice wee break.
Then tonight I carried on and made some more while watching TV.
They are simple and a great way to use up old fabric scraps. So far in the past I have made a couple of headbands with them. I hope to make some more clips and bands etc tomorrow with the rosettes I made.

Im drowning

2012-01-26T14:51:00.002+13:00

in stuff......

I am still not totally organised from moving rooms around. Its amazing how much stuff that one can stuff into one room. I am sorting through every little thing we own... very... slowly.

I have sorted junk drawers that could barely close, I have filled a box with things to be donated and thrown out alot of broken things. But it never seems to end.

I look around me at this moment in time and see a basket of washing, a bench stacked with dishes waiting for the dishwasher to be finished the previous load, a table covered in paper clutter, library books, bread, brown bananas and handbag and wet jacket.

I feel so clogged, weighed down with STUFF. I have said it before and will no doubt say it again.. we have too much stuff. I am getting better at parting with things but I have a ways to go.

One bonus of all this sorting is I have started to sort craft supplies and I am feeling inspired to start a few projects i have been thinking of for a while.. new cushion covers to decorate the lounge a little, a altered bit of art, paper pom poms, and some long dreamed of scrapbooking. I need to craft again. I feel more in touch with myself when I am making something... yet I let myself get so clogged down with the day to day that I never make time to craft.

The holidays are over next week.. I am sad they will be over.. but at the same time so very ready for some order to our days, and some longed for time alone, the kiddos dad is back working weekends for the next 5 or so months so no more weekends kiddo free for me. I love being with my kiddos... but realllly love some time without them as well. Its amazing how much you end up relying on that time..

Fingers crossed very soon I will have some crafting to share.
Thanks for visiting

Not living in the now

2012-01-22T23:03:00.001+13:00

I never really feel like I am mastering this parenting thing.
I yell to much, I get stressed out to easily, I over-react... not all the time but at some point of the day these things happen.

I have this constant pressure to get things done, its just little old me. I feel overwhelmed at times and look around me and just don't know where to begin. I get cross and I yell. I hate that I am a yeller. I need to work on this.

I need to learn to slow down and chill out. Its hard for me, I get so worried about the next thing we need to do that I don't stop and really take in right now.

Image found on pinterest

I want to live in the now more and be more organised so I can relax and be more calm.
I think often things are so chaotic around me that I end up chaotic inside and that comes out in my yelling, being short tempered, and just all round not my best.

And in saying this I am certainly not a horrible parent, I don't always yell. I love my kiddos and we have so much fun. I just want there to be less times where I feel like I'm not at my best.

So obviously today you can tell I had a few less than perfect moments. Tonight I sit here with kiddos asleep through the house and me sitting in the quiet going over my day thinking about the good bits and planning how I can improve on the bad bits.

______________________________________________________________________________

We have one more week of holidays.
I am excited and sad at the same time.
I hope this week we can hang out, play games, bake, visit the library, watch movies and just love on each other.

I hope you all have a sweet day.

Week in review

2012-01-22T10:28:00.000+13:00

The holidays have us so out of routine.. One more week to go.

I have enjoyed the holidays, but then I always do, but man oh man I am ready for more routine and structure again and maybe a little more quiet time for mumma.

I have pulled myself in and I am back on a healthier eating plan again, the holidays have been far too tempting (I have just started reading the ysm body bible and its inspiring me)

I have been for a couple of good walks with my Aunty

the Zeke is back at preschool and he is loving it.

Miss Charlie and I have been picking red currents and need to find something to do with them.

I have started playing words with friends.
While watching the Kardashians (I know I know... )

I have not been reading much at all.... oops

We went to the library, warehouse, bakery, park and museum (where after a while of kids not listening and not being able to keep them entertained and no touching everything I got over the top frazzled, was on the verge or bursting into tears so stormed us the heck out of there). the Zeke was tired it was a long day so I kinda know why he was over it all but I had hoped for a fun day out and it just ended up stressing me out beyond belief.
I am hoping to get back to the museum myself very soon as there was a couple of displays I really want to be able to really explore.

My house is slowly getting back into order, I have a ways to go but sorting through all the stuff in a house takes time.

I have picked and applied for the papers I want to do this year through the Open Polytech of New Zealand. I have finally picked a direction for myself and I am excited to embrace this new stage of my life.

I counted a couple of days ago and only had 75 days of my 20's left... As much as I am slightly bothered that my 20's are over and I have not achieved what i had hoped to I am also so very excited to leave them behind. My 20's were filled with alot of hard times and bad things (and alot of good of course.. 3 kiddos... best thing I ever did) but I am just kinda pleased to have a new slate.. my 30's will be amazing because I am going to make sure of it.

What was I thinking? and to much stuff.

2012-01-15T21:52:00.002+13:00

After coming home and the camping bomb exploding through my house, I then decided to move bedrooms around. What was I thinking?

I took the junk room (it was meant to be turned into a craft room when I took the Zeke out of that room to share with his brother but soon filled with all the junk from every room of the house. And I mean you could not walk across the room there was stuff piled everywhere).

Anyways... I emptied the room out and set up the Zeke back in his own room, sorted Gabe's room out, struggled doing washing from camping and having to dry it all in the drier as its raining here, cleaning dishes, chilly bins, shoes and toys from camping.

I am now left with piles of "stuff" in my room, piles of "stuff" in the back hallway, camping stuff and Christmas decorations in the laundry (and the main Xmas tree is still up...what the heck!!).. its crazy. I walk through my house and wonder why/how/when did we get so much stuff.

We plain and simple have to much stuff, and alot of it we don't use,
In some areas of the house I am really organised. But in others I still hoard and overkeep.
I am determined to get this stuff sorted, organised and in order.

I have alot of stuff that has been collected and kept with certain projects in mind. Its now time to put up or shut up... projects must be completed or the stuff must go.

Expect some posts about completed projects very soon.

But all this has made me think more about what I am buying, what I bring into my home. Its been something I have been putting more thought into for a year or two now and I need to make some real changes.

I want to reduce clutter so maybe sticking with the rule of when I bring something in something else must go out of the house.

I want to continue to buy vintage/thrift store goodies apposed to cheap department store stuff as cheap stuff never lasts as well as quality vintage and isn't as cute.

I want to be careful with what I buy my children. Less toys.

Regularly clean out things and donate/giveaway things as soon as we no longer need them rather than letting them build up.

Really force myself to think.. Do I need this? Do I LOVE this? before buying things.

I feel much more at peace in my home when its organised. I love when I can walk into a room and love how its set out and things are displayed.
My mission for the next month is to sort all this stuff out and be brutal.
Of course also to finish some projects.

back from holiday (uber pic heavy)

2012-01-13T15:58:00.002+13:00

The kiddos and I are back from holiday.
To be honest right now I need a holiday to recover from the first holiday.
Camping is awesome. Camping with kiddos is exhausting.

3 Adults
3 Teens
4 Primary ages kiddos
1 Preschooler
1 puppy
= busy busy busy.

Mavora Lakes is beautiful.

As we drove up the gravel road to the lakes the boys in the back of the car said they were nervous waiting to see if our camp site from last year would be empty. They spoke of buying land rights and shooting anyone who dares take our camp site... I think that means they loved our site from last summer and they reallllly hoped it would be free. No campers were harmed in the making of our camp site.

happy boys, the site was empty.

The weather was great, the bugs were biting, ALOT.

We ate BBQ and picnics for every meal.

We played board games at night.

I got my highest score in Gabes bopit XT .. 69. I will get to 100.

There is something really satisfying watching your kiddos adapt to a world with no technology. To see them find fun, and get better at activities not tried since last summer. Seeing my son beam after mastering the kayak on his own, to see him and miss Charlie learn to fish, they can cast out so good now, pity they didn't catch any fish. Sometimes I worry they are to into TV, or video games. But seeing this makes me remember they can do it with out and thrive too.

A busy little boy napping snuggled up with me... yes please.

Colouring in a quiet spot, learning to write Capital E's and making up a story about pirates.

Boys... Stones... Water.. Need I say more?

Quick trip to TeAnau for fresh food and an Icecream. Bliss.

This corner (minus the swing bridge) was used in a lord of the rings film. A few areas around here were.

My view while reading and watching kiddos play.

Comfy sleeping position Charlie?

Kiddos tent kept getting cleaned and then was like this again in no time....

the Zeke and I shared this little area..

Packing up.. Blankie got folded up on our stuff. Rather than pick it up he sat by it and just touched it.

Hi Ollie.

We loved camping.
We cannot wait to go back next year.
Now I just need to catchup on all the washing.
Pity its raining here in Invercargill now.
I am grateful I have a drier.

shhh mind, the movies and balancing act

2012-01-04T16:26:00.000+13:00

Today i am in a totally over thinking mood. My mind will not shhhh itself.

I have thought about camping, wondering if the Zeke will behave well enough so that I might get a chance to do a bush walk or even just relax with a book this year.

I have worried about what people say about my kiddos and my parenting behind my back.

I have freaked out with the to do list growing in my head.

I have thought about the books I want to read this year.

I have pondered about my single status and if it will ever change.

I have given how I parent some serious thought and how I can make changes to benefit each kiddo.

I have daydreamed about a life very different to the one I lead.

I have thought about money and how I can budget better.

I have put thought into how I can possibly save enough to take a trip to Auckland for my 30th this year.

I have basically spent the afternoon over thinking many areas of my life and not actually getting much achieved.

Does your head ever give you this grief? where it just wont chill out... Maybe I need to learn some relaxation techniques.

I took the kiddos to town today, we went to the movies and had a blast. It was fun watching them appreciate it all, the cup holders, the giant cups of fizzy, the huge buckets of popcorn, chocolate dipped icecream, the ads for coming movies and talking about what one we would love to see (hello the LORAX... please kiddos want to visit that one too). the sweet excitement when the lights dim right out and the movie begins, the funny sight of the Zeke dancing to the closing credits.

"this is the best popcorn EVER"

I'm so excited people

Thank you Nana Joy for the tickets for Christmas, it was a well enjoyed pressie.

After the movies we popped to the Warehouse to get a couple of things.
Something that never gets old for kiddos it seems is the simple art of balancing, the older ones are off on their own but the feeling when a little hand reaches for you to balance them, their still slightly chubby wee hand handing your own to stabilise them. It makes me stop and savour the moment, it makes me appreciate that they still need me to keep them safe.

I discovered today the warehouse has a very lacking CD area now. I used to work in that department years ago and it was huge. Its gotten smaller over the years but after their last upgrade in that area they now only have two stands of Cd's. I guess its mostly digital these days. I do buy some music through itunes but like to own some all time favs, my Lauryn Hill CD from 1998 (I think) is now scratched and jumps a few times and I am in need of a new copy but it seems the Warehouse will not be where I find it. NZ people where do you buy your Cd's these days?

I hope you are all having a crazy good week.

One word

2012-01-03T10:05:00.003+13:00

Last year I gave myself a word. I word to focus on and to remember.
Like a resolution all on its own.

The word was

"Simple"

Now lets me honest the year was anything but simple.
But at the same time I was able to appreciate the simple things, I was able to declutter some areas of my home and be more careful about what I bring back into my home. I was able to simplify my thinking and focus better so it was a success in my mind. Its still a work in progress but I am happy with my progress on "simple"

This year I picked a new word.

"gratitude"

I am a grateful person, last year especially made me feel so grateful for what I have. BUT I do lack the ability to say how thankful I am at times. I get flustered, embarrassed, awkward when people do things for me or give me things. I am grateful for it but I find it hard to put my thanks into words so sometimes I think I come across ungrateful when really I am so very grateful but don't know to put it into words.

This year I want to work at showing how grateful I am. I know in my head I am overwhelmed with gratitude but I need to make sure my loved ones know it as well.
I have talked to my kiddos about gratitude many times before but I also want to include them on this word this year and make it a shared project.

I want my friends and family to know I love them, I am grateful for them.

I am big on manners anyway but want to make sure my kiddos see me genuinely thank people and be grateful for good service and help.

I want to talk about the things I am grateful for, the little things, the big things and get my kiddos thinking about the things they are grateful for.

Its going to be a good year.
A year with simple joy
and a whole lot of gratitude.

waves Just popping in....

2012-01-01T15:27:00.001+13:00

Well its 2012 people.... YAH

I am having a chilled out day so far and loving it.
Heading to have a few drinks with a friend soon before the kiddos come home tomorrow.

I have been jotting down goals, wishes, dreams etc in a notebook to keep me inspired in 2012.

I have also been writing a life list (bucket list) kind of thing for a bit of fun, I have had a growing list in my head for a long time but on paper is so much better. I was inspired by Sophie over at Her library adventures and Catherine at An angel in the garden.

Its growing and involves big dreams like overseas travel destinations and simple things like finding a red lipstick I love and rocking it and owning a pair of amazing cowboy boots.

The country has been having some crappy weather but so far Southland had avoided it, we have had the most amazing summer weather but alas today its turning a little, a bit of wind, a little rain. Fingers crossed it passes very soon.

I hope you all had a wonderful new years and were all safe.

2011 see ya later alligator

2011-12-31T12:52:00.001+13:00

Its new years eve.
2011 is going to move over for fresh starts, new beginnings, clean slates (you get the drift) for 2012.

I am big on goals, list, dreams, hopes so this time of year is perfect for me.
I get to think back on the previous year and make peace with the bad stuff, see how the year has shaped and changed me and start to plan ahead for the new year.

I also get to remember and relive the sweet moments, the simple joy, the big moments, the adventure 2011 delivered and plan for more of the same.

This year I/We

the Zeke started preschool
I got diagnosed with intracranial hypertension.
Turned 29 (eeppp 30 is just around the corner)
Went to scrap camp and met some cool ladies
I had neuro surgery in a hospital 2.5 hours away with no loved ones close by.
Got discharged then thought I was going to die on the side of the road and got sent back to hospital.
Recovered
Watched my friends and family pull together to help my kiddos through my time away.
Had a breast scare and spent a week thinking OMG its going to be cancer.
(it wasn't) but I had to have some of my breast removed in day surgery (on my daughters birthday)
Lala turned SEVEN (whhattttt)
Recovered AGAIN.
Went to kidzone and loved it.
the Zeke turned FOUR
I spent a weekend in Steward Island with my Aunty... it was amazing.
Gabe turned NINE (double WHAAATTT)
Gabe started Keas
We took a day trip to Dunedin with friends and fam and it was awesome.
I had numbness in my left arm/hand and after a week of it got sent to Dunedin hospital for another overnighter to make sure it wasn't related to my shunt in the brain (it wasn't).
the Zeke learnt to count past ten and can recognise more numbers
Big kiddos were in their first production with school
Had an awesome Christmas
Lala pulled out a tooth with NO drama (usually its a tear filled crying saga) she is very proud of herself.

I'm sure there are a million more things I could add to that list but I want to totally sort and declutter my room and the lounge so they start the new year organised.

But I will simply say 2011 changed me. I see things with a new perspective.
I am still a work in progress and always will be but I know I am a better person today because of how 2011 has shaped me. So as hard as 2011 has been I am grateful for the way it has helped me grow.

So i wish you all a very happy new year. I hope you spend it with loved ones. My kiddos are away which is a bizarre feeling as usually we are together.

I'm working on a notebook with my years goals and resolutions.

A toast

2011-12-30T22:49:00.000+13:00

I read this tonight and loved it.
Had to share.

A toast
To nearest
To dearest
To the crew
To cahoots
To the ones who’ve been there
To the ones who’ll be there
To dropping everything
To saying anything
To no judgments
To no doubts
To loyalty
To trust
To favors
To lifelongs
To been too long
To nothing’s changed
To having history
To having your back
To moving away
To never too far
To growing up
To settling down
To your second family
To friends

Single parenting.

2011-12-30T20:15:00.001+13:00

Parenting full stop is hard. I know all families have their own issues and hard things but i want to write a little about my point of view with being a single mumma.

When I had my first child I was young, naive and so very in love. I truly believed my love was big enough and it would last. The truth was very different. BUT I went into it with the desire and dedication to have a family and to make it stick. I didn't plan to be a single mother, I didn't want to be one.

The breakup of my family was horrible, it took me a long time to let go of the dream of my family being together. I thought I loved my ex for a long time, when in fact I realised it was the dream of my family that I loved.

My ex and I don't get along, for a long time I tried so hard to, I put up with things I shouldn't have because I wanted my kiddos to see their parents get along, I wanted to give them something I didn't have growing up, parents who got along. In the end that wasn't to be, I couldn't move on, I couldn't close the door or my past when it was still sitting in my lounge. And of course simply there were to many arguments between us, we both made mistakes, we both butted heads and the best thing I ever did was distance myself. I needed to give myself the chance to grow away from his influence.

Its been a hard road for myself, and in the last year or so I finally feel like I am getting more control over my emotions with it all. I try to keep my kiddos in mind and think about whats best for them and not make choices based on how I feel (so very hard sometimes). I hope eventually we can have a parenting relationship with more respect. I hope one day I can have a discussion and know I will be listened to and that my requests be taken seriously. Its hard sending your kiddos away when you don't have total faith in their safety.

As a single mumma I hate when people say "I wish I got weekends off", "it must be so nice to have a break".. Yeah you know what.. it is OK having some time off. Its not quite that simple though, I still worry, I still think of them and miss them the entire time.

But day to day.. I would pick a co parent and a relationship over being a single mum and having time off.

Every bit of housework, washing, cooking, yard work, fixing/repairs to the house and of course bikes and outside toys are on me (pet peeve.. me and bikes don't mesh).
All the toilet training, bedtimes routines, showering/bathing, tooth brushing, morning routines, homework, games, stories, discipline, doctors visits, dental visits, school events, teacher visits etc.. ON ME.
I have to deal with the tantrums, the tears, the scrapes and accidents.
I have to budget schooling, clothing, birthdays and christmas.
I have to worry about parenting choices, plans and concerns without someone to sit down with and discuss it.
I am the one woken at night when kids are sick, or just need someone to cuddle them.
I do it all. I don't have a partner in crime to share it all with.
Yes I get some weekends off, yes my kids are loved by their dad.
But me? I don't have someone to share this journey with.
Every choice is mine, every worry is mine.

I would pick a happy family over weekends off any day.
I am tired, lonely and I lose sleep over this job of mine all the time.
I love my kiddos with all my heart, I try and do my best.
But being a single mum is hard.
I want someone to say "your doing good", I want someone to hug me when I am losing my mind, I want someone to come home at the end of the day and help me out a little.

SOOOO if you have a single parent friend, tell her or him that you think they are doing a good job, share the love. I'm sure they will appreciate it.

Resolutions....

2011-12-27T18:32:00.000+13:00

Its the time of year when we think back on the previous year, where we plan for the next. Resolution time. There are so many areas of my life, or myself I want to improve, to try harder at, to give major overhauls too.

To start study, which will be a big change but I welcome the challenge.

To continue to build my strength in dealing with my ex partner, to not let his words bother me so much. To keep the distance I need from him and keep the focus on the kiddos. This one is important for me, I need to put my needs first and push on forward and away from the past hurt and anger.

To keep reading (lets aim for 60 books in 2012.. my 2011 goodreads goal was 50)
To keep blogging (lets aim for some more followers just to make me smile)
To keep crafting (pinterest boards overflowing with ideas here)
To get the vege garden sorted and with much less weeds that right now.

To work on presenting myself better to the world. I need to build up the self confidence thing that seems to be so important. Plain and simple I would like to feel pretty. I would like to feel able to put myself out there and maybe one day meet a guy.

To make more time for friends.

To learn to say NO sometimes. My family and personal needs need to come before being a "yes" person sometimes.

To turn 30 (arrghhhhh)

To get a tattoo.

To write more letters (like real ones on paper... old skool)

To continue to grow as a parent and find inspiration in how I do this job.

To let go of fears, of hurt, of things that hold me back from truly embracing life. To embrace all the opportunities that come my way. To be better, to do better, to love life and all that it brings me.

ONE DAY

2011-12-24T21:11:00.003+13:00

Excitement levels are in overload.
I am sitting here waiting for the older two kiddos to go to sleep.
Waiting to put pressies out. Waiting to make their dreams come true.

We spent the afternoon today hanging at my besties with her kids and hubby. We sat in the sun and had a few cold ones while kids played, and bickered. It was perfect. I am however a little sunburned. Oppps.

I wish all you reading a MERRY CHRISTMAS I hope you all have a wonderful holiday tomorrow. May your wishes come true.

To Christchurch people, I hope the shakes take it easy on you and you are able to enjoy Christmas without to much more stress.

TWO DAYS

2011-12-24T00:07:00.001+13:00

Summer is out in full here and I am loving it.
I am loving kids in togs and board shorts.
I am loving a little girl riding her bike for hours.
I am loving the smell of BBQ wafting through neighbourhoods.
I am loving strawberries and my favourite the cherry.
I am loving salads and new potatoes
I am just loving.

Tomorrow is Christmas eve.
Its strange as an adult. I love Christmas, I love the magic the hope.

But at the same time its different as a grown up. There is more effort, more to do lists, just so much to DO to make Christmas happen. I have downsized this year and I am less stressed which is good.

I am also feeling a little less "in the mood" I guess I feel more lonely at Christmas? I am the single friend finding somewhere to spend Christmas night as her kids are away for the first time. I am the tag along. I wish I had my own person to be with at Christmas. Holidays make me feel rather alone in the world.

On the plus side today was an amazing summer day. We hung out with my dad today which was so fun. I enjoy conversations and time with my dad.

We spent time in Queens park, what a great park it is, amazing to think of how long its been there, the work, effort and money way back then gone into planning and planting this park. We are blessed to have it.

This one is my favourite.

Can I have a nice photo please.... come on SMILE... ohhh COME ON

thanks for trying Zeke

bugger it... I give up.

THREE DAYS

2011-12-22T21:33:00.000+13:00

I love my bedroom, its light and airy and my favourite place to relax.
I love sitting here watching day drift into night, going from being able to read my book with ease til my eyes are disagreeing with the fading light. I find dusk to be such a romantic time, not that any romance is happening in my life but I find everything easier to deal with, my day is reflected on happily and I feel at ease. It might just be my favourite time of day. I love that in summer its late enough that i can enjoy it while the kids are settled for the night.

Do you have a favourite time of day?

I was sorting some pressies last night and realised I forgot to get my brother a pressie.. OOOPS.

oh and by the way its finally Christmas to me

I have had my first Cherry of the summer. Each year I buy a bag from the little table set up on Esk St a few days before Christmas. They are amazing Cherry's and I never have them before the week of Christmas.
I heard Snoopy's Christmas on the radio (playing on YouTube does not count)

So its official. Its Christmas.

Do you have something that you need to have or do or its just not Christmas?

I have been thinking about the phrase "I know what I want for Christmas", I am hearing it a lot lately. Like A LOT especially from one child, actually pretty much only from one child. I'm thinking of banning it next year. It seems its all Christmas is to this kid. What he wants. Now of course as kids pressies are a big part of the day, but am I expecting to much in wishing that wasn't the biggest priority. My other kids wrote down some ideas weeks ago and have not asked since. But ONE is all about what he wants, the biggest, the best, the newest toy. Is this just the way he will always be? I personality trait? or is it something I can work on?

I'm thinking of using this wee rule next year for gift buying.

Something I want
Something I need
Something to wear
and something to read

________________________________________________________________________

My sweet girls bike fell apart today, it was clonking and clunking and looking pathetic and on a ride to the local supermarket the chain fell off I think six times. I said it was time to get rid of it, it was also terribly to small for her.

A friend had told me that she thought they had a spare bike there as her daughter had been going to sell it but it didn't sell when listed on TM. I text her to see if it was still available.

Her daughter insisted on giving it to my Charlie.

One blissed out girl, who spent 3 hours riding before I got her in for bed.

Do you sometime see a photo and think WOW when did she (or he) grow up? This pic made me realise how big she is getting. Look at her long arms and legs, and of course the bazillion dimples. Gosh I love her.

I also gave them an early pressie today.

of course the Zeke decided filling up the pothole in the driveway with water was just as much fun. I "warm bath" he called it.

FOUR DAYS

2011-12-21T21:21:00.001+13:00

Today has been the hottest day and the busiest.

We bused uptown this morning to return some library books and go to a few shops, got the kiddos an ice cream and me a iced coffee and headed home on the bus.

Then raced home prepared food for preschool breakup party.
Then went to party and sat in sun while kids played for ages and Santa popped in for a wee visit.

Then got home sat down for 5mins before heading back uptown to see Santa again and get a photo of them all together.

We then braved the warehouse and the supermarket and then came home, the kiddos blobbed out inside out of the heat. I mowed lawns, did some jobs and cooked dinner. I wish I was a kid sometimes.

Tomorrow is housework and laundry catchup day.

Make some chocolates day.

Dip pretzels in chocolate day.

Wrap the last of the pressies day.

and gosh knows what else day.

because..

We start celebrating on Friday.

Friday we have a meal and swap pressies with my Aunty and cousins.

Saturday I hang with my bestie and her kiddos and have a meal and swap pressies.

Then of course Sunday is Christmas.

I cannot wait to hang out with everyone. See the kiddos faces as they get pressies. Eat good food. Drinks a few cold ones and just have a nice time.

FIVE DAYS

2011-12-20T22:19:00.003+13:00

Its getting so real. FIVE DAYS.

Whats crazy is.... I am not stressed. I will admit I am worried by how unorganised I am, but stressed? nope. Freaking out??? NOPE... I know deep down that it will all sort itself out, that by Christmas eve I will have done what needs to be done. Yes money is tight and I have alot more to do before then but what will be will be. Christmas will be fun, and for once I will not be so stressed I do not get to enjoy it.

This year has taught me so much. I am learning to slow down, to appreciate the little things. I always make so much effort at Christmas to give my children joy. yes somehow seem to miss it myself. Not this year.

I keep thinking back to my childhood Christmases, what I remember. What I hope my children will remember and what they one day might carry on as they have families. Traditions are awesome.

What are your special family traditions?
Every year I hear more cool ideas, I wish I could do them all.

A picture just because :)

Slightly late SIX DAYS post

2011-12-20T09:40:00.001+13:00

OOppppsss sleep called me last night. Not blogging.

We didn't do much christmassy stuff yesterday. What I did do was spent 4 hours cleaning my mothers lounge and kitchen. My kiddos helped. I did bribe them. But they helped and actually got into it.

In the afternoon we got a parcel. It was juice. Sightly random.

We had a juice tasting party.

That's my favourite thrifted cup on the right. On a mission to find more similar.

This juice is really nice. I am not a big juice drinker as most of it just doesn't impress me much.

Terrible photo... oooops she was laughing so hard

Charotte loved the farmstyle apple and said the orange "makes my eyes do this" *insert a bit of a twitch* I think that's a sign of a good strong orange juice... well strong to a kiddo I personally thought it was a rather great orange juice.

the Zeke however loved that orange juice. Thought it was pretty awesome in fact.

The strawberry kiwifruit was nice and would IMO be nice mixed with a little vodka or something... just saying.

Thanks Just juice.

SEVEN DAYS - Fondue and hot chocolate

2011-12-18T20:38:00.001+13:00

One week to go....

Today has been an up and down day. Some family drama put me in a worrying, thinking kind of mood since this afternoon. But before that it was kinda fun. The kiddos got a bit ratty so we headed for a walk to the school to play.. then hung out at home this afternoon.

Tonight the kiddos are hanging out in:

and are just finishing these:

Pour milk in pot
Heat til warm
Stir in decent chocolate
Keep stirring til HOT
Pour in cup
Top with whipped cream
and sprinkles
Pop candy cane in cup for stirring

YUMMY

Hope you all have a great week before Christmas :)

EIGHT DAYS

2011-12-17T20:32:00.002+13:00

What a nice day.... well to be honest there were a few hairy moments where I turned around to find a new mess in an area previously tidy that made me want to have a tiny tantrum. BUT otherwise its been a nice day. Charlie slept over with our cousins last night, so it was just the boys and I this morning. Then Gabe went off to a birthday party so it was just the Zeke and I for a while. We made chocolates and had fun watching the smurfs and eating popcorn.


will share a pic of the house all made when wee make it up.

Fast forward to tonight and the kiddos are all home and curled up in Gabes bed watching a DVD and I have just finished rearranging and tidying the lounge. It feels nice and fresh.

Missions for 2012 and my living room.

Get some prints or art for the walls
Make some colourful cushion covers
Get a coffee table I actually like

Its not flash... but its mine.. :)

NINE DAYS

2011-12-16T21:23:00.002+13:00

We had a nice day today.

The Zeke was at preschool most of the day so the big kiddos and I headed uptown and went to the library to hang out, we played board games and looked at books. Our Aunty and cousin met us there and we kept an eye on him while she went to an appointment. It was nice and cruisy.

Getting away from the house sort of forces me to slow down and just "be" with my kiddos. At home I seem to always be thinking of the next job I need to do, worrying about what I am not doing. When I am like that I am robbing myself of the joy of just being with these amazing people of mine.

After the library we headed to our favourite cafe for lunch, vege nachos, scrummy broccoli salad, fries with the yummiest aioli, cold cokes in glass bottles (why is it better in a glass bottle?) and a coffee for me.

This evening I have managed to get a little crafting done, my oh my it makes me happy to make something. Even if the sewing I do isn't straight, even if its totally Macgyver style sewing it makes me happy. And I am totally down with imperfect.

Scented wheat bags (well actually I used rice) they are pocket size for a friend who always has cold hands.

Little doily bunting. I was going to stitch the words NOEL on it but not sure now.

Wrapping.. brown paper bag and fabric scraps.. kinda cute IMO

Adult sized with ribbon to make the headband adjustable.

Kid sized head band.

TEN DAYS

2011-12-15T15:27:00.001+13:00

Can you believe it?
Its super exciting for a certain 4yr old in this house. He can finally hold up both hands and count it on his fingers. No more adding toes etc to the mix.. Much easier.

It also means mumma starts her mad dash of creating to make things I have been thinking about.

It means the kiddos have finished school.

It means time to hang out, to enjoy each other, to blob out. I love holidays. I love Christmas especially. There is some magic in the air at Christmas, even more so this year since I decided.. NO STRESSING. So far I have managed to stick to that rule.

__________________________________________________________________

I was chuffed this week when a certain little man came to me and announced "I fixed my bed today" turns out he tried to make his bed all by himself. SO CUTE.

Yesterday I made cinnamon rolls.. I made them smaller this time and I think I prefer it this way. It makes way more and they are a better size for kiddos. I forgot to take a nice freshly baked pic.


And this is only half the mixture.. Its a good recipe to share.

This last weekend was lovely. I went to see some Christmas lights with a friend and her wee girl.

Isn't it amazing.. this was my favourite house. We used to live over the road from this lady and her house just keeps getting better and better.

I also went for a lovely walk on the beach on Sunday. I find walks out in nature so refreshing and cleansing. Away from concrete, houses etc. You can see beautiful nature as far as the eye can see, its amazing and inspiring. Plus the sea air is a nice change.

Its been an amazing week. I have loved it.

Tonight I started a couple of crafty projects so hope to get into them tomorrow.

I hope you are all enjoying the countdown til Christmas with your families.

Thank you for dropping by....

Dear Santa (part one)

2011-12-13T22:16:00.000+13:00

As I have browsed shops and websites looking for gifts I have of course along the way found things I wish I could buy for myself...

I would love to start a collection of Odd one out plates for my kitchen wall....

I would love to buy all the pretty Envirosax bags and especially want a slingsax..
I have two of the normal envirosax and they are my favourite eco bags, so light and easy to pop into pockets and hangbags.. and hold heaps.

And I adore the prints and jewellery from Cloud nine

I love love love these mugs

OK so this is just a few from the toggle website.... I might list a few of my felt website favourites next...

The things we do for our kiddos

2011-12-08T19:29:00.001+13:00

As I start this post I am sitting on my back deck. Its 7.30pm and its a beautiful summer evening.
The temp is cooling and I can hear the wind rustle the trees and hear bird song in my trees. I have my laptop on my knee and a cider beside me. Perfect? No!

I am here because while my two darlings were jumping on the tramp they saw our cat Luna catch a bird. They heard the birds cries and freaked out. I scared away Luna and caught the bird only for it to wriggle out of my hand and jump away. I searched for the bird but it had hidden well in the jungle of my garden. What to do? Well after searching for ten minutes I came here and got comfy on the deck to await Lunas return as I knew she would lead me to the bird.

(OK while typing that Luna came along and lead me to the bird)

I scared Luna away again and this time found the bird. I will point out the garden got a haircut in the meantime.... lol OOOPPPPS It needed done anyways and might motivate me in finishing that garden aye?

So now I have a bird in my bathroom in a big tub. Its jumping around and flapping its wings a bit trying to get away but cant get higher than about 30cm so something is obviously wrong. What? I have no idea and to be honest I have no idea what to do next but know if I put it out in the garden the cat will have it in five minutes flat. Might be time for a google session?

The things we do for our kiddos....

Its december baby.... YAH

2011-12-02T22:24:00.001+13:00

This week I have been:

I officially need more decorations. I don't have enough for 3 trees

Reading: My American unhappiness by Dean Bakopoulos.. It was slow starting but I ended up really enjoying the book.. it was a little depressing however.

Watching: Offspring (Australian programme) and Sons of Anarchy (not alot of TV watching this week) plus I enjoyed two showings if my big kiddos school production. It was hilarious and so fun, I got this big swell of pride watching all these kiddos I love on stage.

Listening: Rihanna and Gym glass heroes with a little Christmas music starting to slip in now and again.

Hoping: For sun and warmth (and its arrived.. and its lovely)

Planning: lots of Christmas planning and its fun and dreamy. I love it.

Making: A mess? not alot of creative or enjoyable making going on I'm afraid. Time to change that though I feel.

Its December and I am loving it.
The weather is HOT here at the moment and its awesome. I have my windows open right now and the slightly cool breeze is coming in with the scent of all the roses in full bloom outside my window its pure bliss.

A new cape for my hero

2011-11-24T21:26:00.001+13:00

the Zeke is currently really into superheros.. Its a fun boy stage.

I remembered a simple craft I seen on a blog over a year ago, I dont remember what blog sadly.
A simple boys cape from a old adult tshirt.

The neck cuff of the tshirt is the neck strap for the cape.. tshirt material doesn't frey so you dont need to hem the edges. The emblem is felt.

Around the home

2011-11-23T16:45:00.001+13:00

Ive always struggled with presenting my home. I think I tried to hard to be flash when really I did not have flash things. I have a mish mash of second hand and new furnishings... lets me honest mostly second hand. So I was always feeling down that I just didn't have a nice home. What I was not realising was I am not a "flash" person. Ive settled into my personally style a bit more and am loving searching for treasures that reflect me and my kiddos, things that inspire me and make me happy. I want people to enter my home and think wow this is so them.

I walked past my room yesterday and realised my bed and bedside area is just how I want it to be. It made me happy to truly like an area of my home.

I searched for over a year before I found a duvet that I loved enough and it makes me so happy and motivates me to make my bed.

I want to get some fun prints to frame for above my bed or maybe make a fabric covered headboard next year.

If my landlord will let me I also really want to paint the room a pale grey.

So right now this is the area of my house I love, it gets nice sun and I love to sit there on a sunny day and read.

My girl

2011-11-22T21:06:00.001+13:00

My daughter is a girly girl. I find it a little foreign at times as I'm not naturally like this but at the same time I want to nurture this in her as she gets such delight from it...

she had a school disco earlier this month and got herself all dolled up for a red carpet themed night..

I look at her and can't believe she is mine, that I made her. How can someone like me have a girl as lovely as this?

Guy Fawkes (photo heavy)

2011-11-22T20:56:00.001+13:00

OK so this is a little late.

I think this is a really stupid celebration... lets be honest. BUT fireworks are fun to watch.
I personally hope they ban the sale of fireworks in NZ soon but at the same time want the kids to have some memories of fireworks in the back year (does that make sense? probably not).

Sparklers are so fun as a child.

Enjoying a lazy Sundae

2011-11-21T12:06:00.001+13:00

Yesterday while we all blobbed in the living room with the fire on (yes I know... in November? isn't it crazy) watching movies I decided lets go all out.... the Zeke did a great job.. and the big kiddos were totally impressed.

Life was getting a little too normal

2011-11-20T13:34:00.001+13:00

Today I look around and see utter chaos and its a pretty good representation of the last few days.

On Thursday I went to my GP in the morning as I had had a tingly weird left arm and hand for 5 days, she was concerned with my neuro history and shunt that it would be unwise not to get a CT scan to double check things. So 6 hours at A&E at the local hospital I had had a scan and it showed no signs of raised pressure and no other major concerns but the doctor thought there was papilledema in my eyes again (swelling at the backs of my eyes and nerves etc) and with the arm stuff I was required to head to Dunedin hospital the following day.

The next morning after sorting all the kiddos etc a friend and I headed off for a bit of a road trip.

Hello Dunedin

Nice new curtains since my last visit. I didnt miss this place

Once at Dunedin hospital I was admitted (same room as last time but different bed) and an eye doctor checked my eyes (yah dilating and numbing drops) and found no signs of concern (great news). I had my shunt adjusted and spoke rather briefly to neuro doctor who felt the arm was not related to my head or shunt. They kept me overnight for observation and I was discharged the next morning.

This thing was shaking like a mother on the while we were following it.. we dicussed many ways it might fly off and kill us... lol

I will be sent an appointment for a spinal MRI via outpatients to check for anything that might be causing my arm. It will be about a month the doctor predicted, right not I am just hoping the arm comes right on its own as its driving me bonkers. Otherwise I will be making another Dunedin trip before Christmas (hoping) for my MRI (I cannot have MRI's local to me as the magnets in it will adjust my shunt and my local hospital does not have the means to adjust it back).

So a little drama, and a lot of mucking around and I still have the tingly, numb, weird arm I went to the doctor for with no idea whats causing it...

like a pick-a-nick

2011-11-16T18:59:00.001+13:00

Recently as I took off the Zekes jacket as I was getting him ready for bed he noticed the inside of the hood.

"its like when you have food" he said.... "like a pick-a-nick"

I love when they say cute stuff like this.. and he was right it sure is. We have now decided we need to get a red and white checked pick-a-nick blanket. He also told me you need to have bananas and apples when you have a pick-a-nick.

Cadburyland

2011-11-11T17:03:00.001+13:00

While we were in Dunedin during the school holidays we also went on a tour of the Cadbury factory. It was the shorter tour (as we had little kiddos). We didn't actually get to see the factory at work but did get to see some demonstrations on how things are made, some DVDs showing footage of the factory and the whole time you could smell chocolate and in one area Jaffa's. They told us lots of info and asked lots of questions and gave out mini chocolate bars as prizes.

You also get to walk up inside a silo that used to be used to store crumb but now has a fun chocolate display... basically they drop a tonne of chocolate kinda like a chocolate waterfall in front of you. It was very loud and freaked the Zeke out but was a bit of fun. The chocolate for this feature is reused and then eventually taken to a pig farm for the pigs (luckiest pigs in NZ I imagine).

You are not allowed to take camera on the tour so I have no pics from inside.

WW week 2

2011-11-08T11:46:00.000+13:00

So I had my second weigh in today for weight watchers.

I mentioned briefly I joined WW but didn't really go into it further. But I feel if I am honest on here, if I talk about my ups and downs and celebrate my losses on here it might give me more incentive to do well.

The reality is weight has been a big issue of mine for a long time. But especially since I had my first kiddo 9 years ago. I never lost that baby weight. I didn't really gain much more with my next two kids but yo-yo'd back and forward. I have tried to diet before, I have joined WW before and I have done OK before and lost up to 10kgs but then gained it all back again. The reality is with my depression leaving me in a very down place for years I comforted myself with food, but then when I celebrated things I celebrated with food, food was a big part of my life. It was a friend when I was lonely, it was comfort when I was heartbroken, It made me feel better when all I wanted was to curl up in a ball and cry.

I do not want to be that person anymore, over the last two years I have worked through lots of emotional issues, I have found peace with a lot of things, and simply I am happier. Now its time to tackle the weight, time to work on my self esteem, to feel better about how I look. I am tired of looking in the mirror and just plain hating everything about my body. I am obese, I have alot of weight to move, I have a long way to go and I am ready to make the changes.

Today I weighed and had only lost 500grams (total loss of 3.4kg in two weeks) I was disappointed as I had hoped for a bigger loss on week two. But I also fell off the healthy wagon for two days and I accept that's why I didn't lose more, but I am proud that i was able to climb back on that wagon and keep going. I have set myself a rather hefty goal of losing 8kgs this school term so I need to get my a into g and keep on plan.

I aim to blog each WW weigh day and update how I am feeling and how I go.

Cranky mum and a fort

2011-11-06T20:10:00.000+13:00

Sometimes I have moments as a parent where I just fail miserably.
Tonight I had such a moment.

Trying to have a conversation with the kiddos that should have been light hearted, thoughtful and fun. They fidgeted, scratched, leaned from side to side, argued, and back chatted and well plain didn't listen. What I should have done was say "lets try this again tomorrow". But instead I growled about being rude, about how I was trying to TALK to them about something and just went on and on... Got mad.. stomped around the kitchen doing the dishes while wanting to scream. Totally OTT reaction... Its OK I am aware. i ended up sending them all to bed at 6.30.

Maybe next time they will listen???? Or maybe not.

They might have just learned (like they didn't already know) that their mother is bat shit crazy.... Oh well. Sorry kiddos.. I do love you... I do mean well... Next time I will do better... I hope.

I can reflect on it and see where I went wrong. I can see how I can better handle it next time (and there will be one).

I guess my point is.. we are all human, we all have moments of weakness, moments where we do not do out best, moment where we make a plain fool of ourselves. I am learning to be able to reflect, learn, then move on rather than dwell on those moments.

On a slightly more fun note earlier today we built a fort for the kids to snuggle in and watch a DVD. It kept them reasonably happy for the afternoon and reminded me of some major fort building in my childhood.

My kiddos are my world... I hope that even when I get growly, grumpy and stomp my feet they still know that.. forever and always.

Butterfly visit

2011-11-05T20:40:00.000+13:00

Recently we went to Dunedin for a day trip. It was a really fun day.

One thing we did while there was go to the butterfly exhibit which was utterly amazing I could have happily spent a whole day hanging in there. It was a beautiful tropical area with a waterfall and all these amazing plants, a bit pond with huge goldfish, turtles and so many butterflies... when you stood still they landed on you.. it was beautiful.

There was one with the same colouring as my top that would just not leave me alone when i was trying to leave.

My darling girl loved to watch them but if they tried to land on her she ran and squealed and made a huge scene.. it was funny... she didn't like us laughing but it couldn't be helped. She did love to watch them though.

My oldest was enchanted and loved them landing on him and seemed to really take it all in.

My baby loved rushing around the whole place and watching everything. Near the end one landed on his ear and he kept ducking trying to get it off but it was not leaving.. he was yelling "is it off? is it off?" while I kept saying "hold on I need a picture".. his reply "did you get it yet? is it off?"

A bit of everything

2011-11-03T14:54:00.001+13:00

Today I am so tired, my head is hurting and I in crazy need of visiting the grocery store but I am stuck at home. My oldest kiddo came home from school yesterday with a headache, chills and feeling a bit hot so he chilled out for the rest of the day and I was up checking on him a few times in the night just to make sure he was OK, then I had a stampede of boys feet at 5am when they ran into my room to announce miss Charlie was puking so then I was up with her the rest of the morning. Needless to say I am buggered. We have all done very little so far today. Its been declared PJ day and we have all chilled out. Apart from when the kiddos were fighting, or whining... but lets not focus on that part of the day.

I have right now sent everyone to their beds for a quiet time (insert.. mums sanity time).

______________________________________________________________________________

Lately I have been feeling so blessed.

I have stopped feeling sad that my kiddoa are growing up and learning to really love the new stages they are in. I couldn't believe how fast it was all rushing by and in turn I was not being as involved in the NOW as I should have been.

I have been spending more time with friends and loving them all so much. So many amazing and yet different women who enrich my life so much.

Getting my house more organized and by golly that makes me feel so much better.

I have joined weight watchers with a friend to get control of my serious weight problems once and for all (and I actually believe I can do it this time.. maybe silly to announce that) I am in week two and doing well.

I am watching some great TV in the evenings, reading some awesome books, reading some wonderful blogs and managing to keep the lonely bug at bay most of the time.

I am enjoying the change of season and soaking up the sun and beauty of spring (although its a little grey and chilly here at the moment).

I have made time to scrapbook and craft and loving it.

Overall I am feeling so positive and happy. Long may it last.

on another note... Its NOVEMBER... now I like November.. why?

Because its spring and warmer and prettier
Because strawberries start getting cheaper and tastier and other berries make their way into my shopping trolley.
Because yummy salads and BBQs start to happen.
Because fireworks light up our skies
Because I can start to prepare for Christmas.. by selecting colour schemes and decorating ideas.
Because the kiddos start to mention Christmas and I love how their eyes light up when they do.
Because I think about what nice things I/We can do for those we love in this holiday season.

I also today just requested forms for the course I want to do next year I had narrowed it down to two options... My BIG dream... or something else I am passionate about.... Ive started with the big dream.. if that fails I can do the other one after.. It is so scary making this choice... and hoping there are no issues with getting a student loan etc I have never done this before.

I will be authentic

2011-10-30T13:05:00.002+13:00

Ive been off the computer and not blogging. Opps

So much to document but right now I am in a thinking mood.

Reading some comments on facebook between some people has me thinking. My first reaction when reading the comments was feeling a little hurt but then I delved deeper and thought about it (sorry its all a little vague but I don't want to go into to much detail).

As long as the choices I make are authentic then I shouldn't feel like they are wrong. I have been thinking more about the person I want to be, how I want others to think of me, the kind of person I want to inspire my children to be and thinking what "rules" I want to put in place for myself to help me be that person.

I want to always remember to be grateful.
I want to remember to be kind.
I want to be a good friend.
I want to be kind to the earth.
I want to be kind to myself.
I want to always have time for my children.
I want to listen more and talk less.
I want to make time to create.
I want to always pay it forward.
I want the people I love, the people I think of to know they are on my mind and I care.
I want to always surround myself (and my children) with books and music.
I want to never be afraid to love.
I want to feel like my dreams can come true.

There are probably more but hey they are the rules for now.

Earlier this week I did something that fits into those rules... I did it because it felt right, and I hoped the person would accept the gesture and maybe appreciate it? I don't think they did appreciate it, I don't think they did "get it" but that's OK, it was authentic, it was me. No matter what I have alot of people in my life who do understand me, who "get" me, who enrich my life with goodness.

I am on the path to find myself, to find the groove that I fit into just right. I want to be surrounded by people who understand I'm silly sometimes, who know I say the wrong thing at the wrong time sometimes and don't judge me too harshly for it, who accept I sing horribly but still love to sing along because music is therapy to me, who accept I get geeky when talking about books and certain TV shows, I want people who don't comment on the messy lounge or my long grass, I want people who notice when I am in a grey place and who help lift me out, I want people who are kind to my children and understand they are my world, I want people who can love me when I cant love myself.

The thing is I have people like that, I don't have a huge circle of friends but the ones I do have are amazing. I don't need to worry if other people don't like who I am, or just plain don't "get" me because the people who really matter never left my side or they joined the ride while all the hard stuff was going on. They stuck around when I had kids, they stuck around when I was sunk down deep in depression and anxiety, they stuck around when I gained weight, they stuck around when I made mistakes, the stuck around when I was sick and I needed help but couldn't give it back.

So I will continue to be kind, I will let those I love know I am thinking of them.
Most of all I will be the best friend I can be to those who by my side because I am blessed to have them.

I will be authentic, I will be grateful, I will love.

Our holidays so far

2011-10-11T20:50:00.000+13:00

I am totally loving the school holiday. We are cruising and just flowing through our days.
We don't need to rush, we don't need to get things done (well mumma might have a few things that need to be done), we can have fun with each other and with friends. I love love love the feeling school holidays give me.

So far.....

We are making scones

We are playing in the water

Sprinkler is under the tramp

Falling asleep in mummas bed

Finishing a good book

Wearing new clothes grandad got for them on holiday

we also but don't have pictures to prove it

Made brownie and had it with ice cream outside in the sun with cousins and an aunty

Made a new fun game of shadow fighting

Learnt to play cleudo junior

The madam of the house stayed at a friends then had her friend here to stay the next night

Played at friends houses

Had friends over to lunch

and the big one for the week we are putting up tents in the morning for the kids to sleep outside tomorrow night with my besties kids (fingers crossed weather stays OK)

We will make smores and eat fish and chips.

Holidays are awesome and I love my kiddos crazy heaps.

Its officially the holidays and a blog name

2011-10-08T10:03:00.001+13:00

YAH.. two weeks of no school.
Mr Zeke will still go to preschool but that means I have time to have some dedicated time to the big kiddos. We have made a LIST of what we want to do this holidays. Its going to be F.U.N.

The weather is so springy and lovely here, I feel so inspired.

Expect lots of blog posts about what we are up to these holidays and how our list is going.

I L.O.V.E holidays.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was today flicking through blogs on kiwimummyblogs and was reading Life today and there was a post about your blog name and the how and why of it.

My blog URL is findingalisa .. and my blog finding.

I made this blog to help me keep a track of my journey to "find" myself.
I had lost myself over the years of being a mother. I was simply a mum and nothing more. I suffer from depression and anxiety and had kind of locked myself away in a little bubble. I had been trying to get in touch with my wants/needs/wishes/dreams and making changes to make them happen. to make me happy.

I knew I would want to be able to look back on this and see the changes I made in myself but also to keep track of my little family and our days. Its amazing with kiddos how fast things change and this is a wonderful way to remember how things are now.

I also knew it would be a way to make a little time capsule of me that one day my kiddos might look back on and see I was more than the mother they knew.

SOOOOOOOO findingalisa is obvious... the journey to find me (Alisa)
and finding is simple.. finding me, finding the good in our days, finding the beauty around me, finding happiness.

Lamb vs Chicken

2011-10-07T13:35:00.001+13:00

The other day I spent some time at Queens park with a favourite family of mine. We ate some lunch, strolled and I really enjoyed the feeling of the park in spring. I am so happy my favourite season is here... the blossom trees the flowers.. the feeling of freshness and hope that's in the air. I love it.

While at the animal reserve part of the park there was an adorable playful lamb.... chasing a poor chicken it was so fun to watch.... the chicken took ages to finally get out of the fenced area the lamb was in.

(Horrible video quality from my cell but you get the idea)

Playing with their food

2011-10-06T13:41:00.001+13:00

One of my kiddos favourite lunches is a platter. We have these Tupperware lunch trays that are the same as I had as a child. I put an arrangement of nibbles on the trays and off the kids go.

Some things they love are pretzels, cut up fruit, dried fruit, cheese, deli meats, cookie cutter sammies, carrot sticks, cookies, crackers and always looking for new ideas if you have any.

But once they get their trays its all on.... this is what they end up doing as they eat.

This is the tray I gave them.

This is mr9s effort

Mr4s effort

and Miss7s effort

Since my last scrap update

2011-10-04T14:39:00.002+13:00

Ive done a little scrapping lately which has been awesome. I'm feeling quite unsatisfied with my work though.. my style has really simplified and that is good for getting more done BUT it feels unfinished and uninspired. I need some new inspiration. New product always helps with that but right now the budget does not allow for that so I need to get myself inspired in other ways. How do you get yourself inspired?

Happy birthday to my oldest

2011-10-03T21:13:00.000+13:00

I have now been a mumma for 9 years. Its hard to believe this much time has passed, it saddens me that my memories of the day of his birth are fading. I remember it all but I know over time the small details and memories will seem less clear.

This boy was in no hurry, he was 14 days overdue, I was induced 4 times over two days and just niggled away, I was in full labour for 14hours, I pushed for over 3 hours, but that moment, the moment I became a mumma.

It was the highlight of my life. He changed me that day.

Being a mother is hard, it is the hardest job you could ever do. BUT man oh man its the best.

I am in awe that I made these kids, I cant believe they are mine. I am so proud of the people they are growing to be.

_______________________________________________________________________________

He woke up on his birthday and got his pressies..

He got to spend his very first birthday at school.. Usually his birthday is in the middle of the holidays but with the rugby world cup being on and school terms changed it meant he got to go to school on his big day.. he was really excited.

He was told to go to the front of the office after school, he was picked up on a Harley trike and taken for a 20minute ride around then home.

We then all went out to Cobb and Co for dinner (the boys favourite restaurant) it was so fun and yummy.. and NO MESS for me ... LOVE IT.

He had a great day.. He was loved and spoilt.

Happy 9th birthday son.

A girls 24 hours on Stewart Island (photo heavy)

2011-09-22T15:07:00.000+12:00

After my sons birthday party the kiddos went off to their dads for the rest of the weekend. They left and I got packed to head over to Stewart Island for the night. My aunty and I caught the ferry from Bluff wharf at 5pm and headed on over, I felt horribly sick on the way over and was starting to wonder if this was a good idea? In the end sitting out the back of the boat worked, as how can you feel sick when your utterly freezing.

We arrived at Stewart Island at 6pm and headed to South seas hotel and checked in, we shared a dinky wee room. We got the wine and snacks we had packed and sat on the balcony and watched the sun set (which was sadly not a very dramatic one) while drinking wine and eating nibbles. It was lovely (although chilly).

We then headed to the restaurant for dinner and had yummy seafood (fresh blue cod is amazing) and a beer.. It was really yummy.

We then headed to the pub grabbed a beer and watched some of the rugby (Australia vs Ireland) and drank with the locals and visitors. We ended up having a fabulous night chatting to people, listening to music and my aunty played a horrible game of pool. Overall it was a really fun night. I usually stick with whoever I am out with, I don't chat to people, I really don't feel comfortable in crowds or with people I don't know so it was a bit of a out of comfort zone night but was a real blast and made me realise i need to get past the anxiety I feel in those kind of situations as I really had fun. We got to bed after 2am.

We got up just after 8am the next morning, slightly worse for wear and got up and ready for the day, headed to the beach to eat breakfast on the beach, once again chilly but lovely.

We booked in for a boat trip to Ulva Island at lunchtime that day and went for a bit of a walk, we went on a small bush walk (and I realised just how unfit I am) and walked around Odam, its so lovely listening to the birds calling all around you and seeing Tuis in the trees, we had a little lunch at a Kiwi French crepery it was an adorable wee place but I will say it was a disappointing meal.

We then headed over to catch the boat for the trip to Ulva Island, we got to hear about some of the history of the island and it was really interesting, there was a Stone cottage that is the oldest building on the islands, a man Louis Acker (who arrived on Stewart Island in 1831 on board a whaling ship) build it around 1834, in this one room stone cottage Louis and his wife Mary Pi raised 9 children. It gave a real impression of the life the region’s earliest European settlers endured. And really as a modern mother I cannot imagine raising a large family in that one room cottage..

I didn't realise how many different settlements there had been on these islands back in the 1800's. It has made me want to look up some books and do some reading.

We got to Ulva Island and split into two groups and went on an hour walk around the island and were shown alot of the different types of trees, plants and birds on the island.

We went up flagstaff point and got a wonderful view around the islands, the man who lived on this island back sometime in the 1800's took care of the mail, when the mail arrived he would raise a flag up high and all the surrounding islands/settlements could see the mail had arrived and could come over on their boats to collect, mail would come maybe once a month at the most.

We then headed back to Oban and had a last stroll around before heading back to Bluff on the ferry. Luckily the trip back was fine and we in fact napped part of the way.

It was lovely to get home and get back in cellphone range. Its was quite a nice feeling being out of range it made me realise how often I check facebook etc on my phone during the day and it was weird not being able to txt someone when something made me think of them.

It was such a nice wee escape and was nice to explore a little more of the amazing scenery we have so close to us here in Southland.

The A-Z of me

2011-09-19T20:24:00.002+12:00

A. Age: 29
B. Bed size: queen
C. Chore that you hate: Folding washing... arghh hate it..
D. Dogs: Admire some.. cringe at others... in no hurry to get one unless it steals my heart
E. Essential start to your day: Cup of tea, reading blogs in between the chaos of getting kids to school.
F. Favorite color: Yellow...
G. Gold or Silver: Silver.
H. Height: 173cm
I. Instruments you play: Sadly I don't play any
J. Job title: Mumma
K. Kids: 3, Gabrial, Charlotte and Ezekiel
L. Live: Invercargill, Southland, New Zealand
M. Mother’s name: Joanne
N. Nicknames: Lisi or Lis
O. Overnight hospital stays: When I had babies 1 & 3, when I was diagnosed with Intracranial Hypertension in February of this year, and in April of this year when I had my VP shunt put in my head, and in June of this year when I had part of my breast removed.
P. Pet peeves: being late, other people being late, people who spit and people who litter... and a million other things I cannot think of right now.
Q. Quote from a movie: Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life - well, valuable, but small - and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void.
R. Right or left handed: Left
S. Siblings: Older brother (died as a baby), younger brother and a younger sister.
U. Underwear: No favourite style
V. Vegetable you hate: mushrooms
W. What makes you run late: the internet
X. X-Rays you’ve had: leg (skiing accident), arm (slipped on ice and broke it).. cant remember any others. I have had MRI and CT scans and lots of ultrasounds though ohh and lumbar punctures.. eew hate them.
Y. Yummy food that you make: I make GOOD cupcakes and cakes.. mmmmmm
Z. Zoo animal: Monkeys would be my fav but I could spend days at a zoo watching the animals.

The birthday

2011-09-19T18:04:00.002+12:00

Well spring was not in the air, the day was chilly but luckily not raining. The Zeke woke up and was delighted when he entered the lounge which had balloons and his pressies waiting.

We got right into party prep and hanging streamers and more balloons. We made food and set the table... THEN the friends came. We had a house full of people who love my son. His friends from preschool, our family, our friends who might as well be family. It was great, and he loved it.

I didn't take alot of photos because I was busy. (and I cant blog the ones I did since they are full of wee preschool friends)

He had a Mario Kart cake...

then he crashed a larger motorbike into the cake.. (boys!!!!)

and we had a little Mario facial hair fun...

I cannot believe my baby is FOUR... wow..

The birthday boy... the Zeke is FOUR

2011-09-17T08:01:00.000+12:00

That little boy who arrived with such drama turns FOUR today. He is strong willed and stubborn. Getting mad at him doesn't help as it just makes him mad right back at you (I do forget this sometimes). He can be hard work but most of the time if you give him what he needs in life he will cruise along letting you join in the ride. He gets such joy from the simple things.

Lately he is starting to actually draw pictures, its so fun to see how his mind works. I know I will treasure some of these pictures for the rest of my life.
He is learning numbers.
His conversations are getting deeper and deeper, and oh so fun.
He loves the days he gets to take a lunchbox to preschool so much, lunchbox days are the best.
He loves his spiderman tshirts the best.
He loves reading Dr Seuss books.
He makes me smile everyday.

I have loved having a 3 year old. I am a little annoyed he thinks growing up without my permission is OK but I guess I need to just roll with it. My baby is now 4. WOW... Happy birthday son.

Remembering a birth

2011-09-16T22:54:00.001+12:00

Today I am remembering, I am thinking back to 4 years ago. I am thinking of how scared I was, how much I worried I couldn't take care of another baby, scared of doing it alone. I was tired as I had been in labour 27 hours already. I had planned a home birth, the kind of birth I always dreamed of because maybe having the birth I dreamed of would make this easier to handle.

But after 42 hours of labour I was so tired, and not feeling like I could keep going on, I felt this strong pull that I needed to go to the hospital. So I did.

While going through a contraction I remember listening to the heartbeat on the monitor and thinking wow that's slow, but then I thought maybe the gas is just making it seem slow? As the contraction faded I pulled the mask aside and said "that seemed slow" and my midwife said "yeah it was a little". She was so calm. Soon after a nurse was in to find the heartbeat again and couldn't. They searched for a while and couldn't find it. Inside my head I was terrified, I had worried I couldn't handle another baby, I was scared of doing it alone, was this happening because I wasn't sure I could do it?

They got me up on a bed and did things I wont explain on a public blog and told me I needed to get this baby out now. They had called up to surgical and doctors where on their way to check me out (a c-section was being talked about), I wasn't 10cm but I pushed, and I thought to myself isn't it a cruel trick to realise just how much you want something just as your losing it? There was no heartbeat playing as a soundtrack in the room, there was myself, my support person, my midwife, a nurse and two doctors (waiting to help the baby), and i pushed, I felt like I wasn't getting anywhere.

Then after the head was out I went into a little shock and remember saying "get him out of me" and they did, he was whisked away and the doctors suctioned him and gave him air, the cord had been around his neck 3 times, he has passed meconium and it was a close call.

At that moment the doctors we were waiting on walked in, commented on how it was all fine here now and left, I felt utterly unladylike lying on a bed with it all on show but its kind of true what they say about leaving your dignity at the door.

I remember holding him after the doctors had sorted him out and I was shacking, I was in a little shock I think but so relieved. He had all these wrinkles on his forehead and looked like he was really mad at the world. He felt bigger than my midwife and I had been guessing at and when they weighed him he was 9lb4oz.

My midwife was so calm and amazing throughout but later on told me how lucky we were.

I am blessed to be his mumma and I am so grateful I listened to my gut instinct to go to the hospital as I think it was where we needed to be.

A charmed life challenge - coffee break

2011-09-10T09:06:00.002+12:00

Yesterday I ticked off #32 Have a proper weekday coffee break, ceramic cup, gossip and staring out a window.

I love me some coffee and most weeks get a real coffee but usually I have a 3yr old to entertain and its not as relaxed as I would like. Yesterday he was in preschool and I got hold of a friend (and her adorable baby) and we headed out for coffee at starbucks. I didn't get it in a travel cup, I did get it venti (how huge and awesome are those cups?), I did get the chocolate cake, we did sit in the comfy armchairs where the sun was shining, we did laugh.. loud.. alot, we talked in depth about TV shows we are crazy about, attractive rugby teams, kids, birthday party planning, books, greeny topics and gosh knows what else. It was fabulous.

Maybe aging isnt so bad

2011-09-09T22:11:00.000+12:00

I have struggled my whole life with a lack of self confidence, I am my own worst critic.
I never really liked what was reflected back at me in the mirror, even when I had a good figure, back when I was young and had great skin I only saw my faults.

I am nearing 30, I am considerably overweight, I don't have the best skin, I am getting lines on my face, my body has grown 3 children and has stretch marks, I have scars, plain and simple I do not look my best, I have not taken the best care of myself and it shows.

But lately I have gotten into a routine of wearing a little makeup each day, of spending just ten minutes on my appearance. I face myself in the mirror each day (when in the past I avoided that reflective surface like the plague) I look at myself, I take a little care of myself and for the first time in my life I do not hate my face. I think maybe the older I get the more I accept myself, the more I embrace me.

(excuse the photos they are just snapped in the mirror)

I'm not perfect, but I am starting to realize I am not ugly either.

Maybe getting older isn't as bad as I imagined if it means letting go of my hangups and embracing my imperfectness.

The charmed life challenge

2011-09-09T08:12:00.000+12:00

The charmed life challenge was something I came across on the web a few days ago. I instantly loved it and knew doing most of the things on the list would make me feel good, and make my days more "charmed". I want to try and take the time to do some things off the list and keep track of my progress, there are some I cannot do or wont do but overall most of them are doable. I also shared it on my casebook and had friends talking about giving it a go as well, I cant wait to hear what they do and how it makes them feel. There is also a printable of the list here .

(Copy and pasted from www.pinkofperfection.com I hope its OK to do that)

Give something broken a new life (a skirt, a squeaky wheel, scuffed shoes).
Put something beautiful on a bit of blank wall you see every day.
Wear something you love that you think “just isn’t you.”
Send a thank you note, for anything.
Spend an afternoon reading.
Cook in a vintage apron.
Have luncheon: a slow midday meal with cloth napkins and wine.
Go out of your way to do something kind for a stranger (offer a seat, hold the door, leave your copy of Us Weekly on the elliptical).
Donate five items from your closet that don’t make you feel unstoppably gorgeous.
Take care of a nagging life admin item (a trip to the post office, filing an insurance claim, making a doctor’s appointment).
Buy an utterly frivolous piece of lingerie.
Invite friends over for cocktails, dinner, or brunch.
Wake up an hour early to have a leisurely morning.
Try something that looks like pure fun (accordion, crochet, burlesque).
Dance. In public, in the living room, with a partner, with yourself.
Flirt with a stranger. (Smiling counts.)
Get rid of five things in your home that don’t bring you pleasure.
Go to a parfumerie or department store in search of a signature scent.
Buy flowers for your home or office.
Make a recipe from a fruit, vegetable, meat or fish you’ve never cooked before.
Walk barefoot in the grass or on the sand.
Have a media-free day.
Write down everything you feel grateful for.
Hold a baby.
Pet a puppy.
Ask someone to tell you their life story.
Read a biography of your favorite glamorous screen star, or the bravest, most bad ass real life heroine.
Eat fresh berries, straight from the green paper pint.
Create an occasion to wear your most impractical pair of shoes.
Write down your wildest dreams.
Take one itsy-bitsy, teensy-weensy step to make one real.
Have a proper weekday coffee break: ceramic cup, idle gossip, and staring out a window.
Visit a playground and swing.
Make lemonade. (Literally or figuratively.)
Go to a junk or antique story; consider what your favorite object has seen in its life.
Jump in a body of water. Float.
Give someone a hug; let them let go first.
Look at the stars.
Replace one utilitarian item you use every day––a measuring spoon, a file folder, a key chain––with something really, really beautiful.
Pamper your body with a massage, an overdue haircut, a trip to the sauna, or a soak in the tub.
Research something that sparks your curiosity (Arthurian legend, photosynthesis, investing). If you’re still curious after a 15-minute google session, dive deeper.
Make a collage of beautiful images that resonate with you.
Read aloud to someone you love.
Forgive yourself.
Forgive someone else.
Spend an hour in silent reflection.
Dine by candlelight on a weeknight.
Take a walk after dinner.
Wear your no-fail, cheer-me-up lipstick.
Give a genuine compliment to an acquaintance.
Have a glass of champagne, just because.
Spend one day taking pictures of everything you find beautiful.
Describe your perfect day in writing.
Block out an afternoon (or day) on the calendar to make some (or all) of it real.
Select one drawer or surface and organize it.
Write a love letter.
Do something you loved as a child.
Upgrade your sleep wear, or go Marilyn style.
Do the one thing you were relieved/sad wasn’t on this list.
Pretend for one day that you are as confident and amazing as you want to be.

There is also a similar list here called the life seduction challenge that has some great ideas.

This week I have done #43 read aloud to someone you love, I curled up with the big kiddos and read the twits by Roald Dahl its such a fun book to read with older kiddos. I have not read a book like that to them for ages and forgot how much I enjoy it.

I am planning a few more and I am thinking of others (that doesn't really count as effort does it?)

Sleep, no kids and TV

2011-09-02T16:12:00.000+12:00

This morning I woke up at 7am on the dot. No alarm going, no kiddos begging for breakfast or fighting and pulling me out of that hazy sleepy place I wasn't ready to leave. I woke up and actually felt awake, then I realised I had actually slept without waking up multiple times. I think I got about 7 hours sleep, I cannot remember the last time I woke up and felt like I had had enough sleep.

I got to drink my coffee alone, in silence. My kiddos woke up and were delighted to see me already in the kitchen awake and waiting for them. It was a great way to start the day.

I got to hang out with a friend, drink a giant V and talk movies, music and motherhood this morning. Then I got to do housework and bazillions of loads of laundry. I packed my kiddos off to their dads house for the weekend this afternoon, like always looking forward to some "me" time but knowing i will be missing them like crazy by Sunday night.

Anyone else hanging out for the next season of Sons of Anarchy? *puts hand up*

I never thought I would like this show but I really really do.

I'm also waiting for new Big bang theory (Gabrial and I bond over this show. He thinks Sheldon is the best)

Ive also recently finished the second season of Parenthood and I am waiting for more.

I love me some good TV

Happy Friday everyone.

Almost 5 months later.. I am lucky

2011-09-01T22:23:00.000+12:00

Its almost been 5 months since my neuro surgery (a VERY basic neuro surgery thank goodness). It feels like time has flown on by, its was a heck of a journey, so much went on I really must sit down and write it all down all the little memories of it all while its fresh enough in my mind. So many small details that changed me forever.

I still get some headaches but my neuro surgeon thinks getting the pressure that my shunt it set at turned down will improve this (I just need to make a trip to Dunedin to get this done), I get aches in my skull at times (up slightly from the where they drilled the hole) but I guess its probably from the bone healing? I am not really sure but its not enough to be a concern.

I no longer lose my vision every ten minutes or so like I used to, I no longer have to worry about losing my vision completely.

The scar in my stomach healed well but is still quite red but I know in time it will fade.

I find myself often reaching up and feeling the lump on my head that is the shunt and running my hand over it and where the tube sits under my skin. Its kind of like a nervous habit, it feels bizarre to me that its there, it doesn't belong. I wonder at what point will I not think about whats gone on this year? at what point will I not reach up and touch that shunt and remember? At what point will it just become a part of me and not something that shouldn't be there? time will tell I guess.

A couple of weeks ago I had a followup ultrasound on my breast. I was thrilled to be told its all totally normal now. I have no more risk than anyone else in regards to breast cancer. The nurse even commented on how great the scar was. My doctor did an amazing job. I am lucky.

I am so very grateful that with all my health problems this year they all ended up being fixable. I met other woman in the hospitals that didn't have my luck. I met an amazingly inspiring woman who had terminal cancer yet smiled and laughed and taught me so much about truly living. I met another woman who had fought breast cancer only to discover months later she had a brain tumor. I am lucky.

Overall this year has taught me I am blessed. It taught me to be grateful, to live and love harder.

I am lucky.

First day of spring

2011-09-01T12:20:00.000+12:00

The first day of spring is here. I have been waiting for this day for well all of winter. Spring is my absolute favourite season, I love the delight of it all after a long cold winter, I love the bubs flowering all over, the blossom trees, the warmth, longer days and just the HOPE of it all. Fresh starts and new beginnings just excite me so much.

I was excited to see blue skies and sun streaming in this morning and thought that we would bring the season in with style. Alas before lunch the grey sky took over, the chill never left the air and its now raining and hailing and my fire is on. Bugger. Tomorrow is also meant to be cold... Next week maybe?

Today in NZ it is Random acts of kindness day.. RAK day. Obviously I think you should be kind every day but I like to do something a little random on this day for someone. I might make dessert for my neighbours and drop it off to them?

I hope you all have a wonderful September 1st and do something random and kind for someone.

This week I...

2011-08-28T20:52:00.000+12:00

Its been a wonderful week around these parts. The weather has been mostly good and that makes everyone so much happier.

This week

We visited chipmunks and discovered their new area with guns that shoot foam balls.. FUN
Went to the library and hung out at the pop up book table (its the place to be don't ya know)
Went on lots of walks/bike rides
Visited the local fruit and vege shop
Got stroopies (dutch syrup waffles) from Bin Inn
Did some work in the vege garden
Planted some pansies in front of the deck
Did way to little housework
Made cinnamon rolls
and lemon cupcakes
sat on the deck in the sun reading a book
Hung out with our aunty and cousins and went to a local playground

Basically it was full of good times. Good company and SUN glorious sun.

I love these following two pics... this cupcake is how good?

Hope you all have had a wonderful week..

A new book to inspire

2011-08-27T13:16:00.000+12:00

I read alot of blogs and one of my favourites is soulemama I love their style of parenting and they live a life very like I dream of. One book referenced to many times on that blog is the art of simple food by Alice Waters. my library didn't have it and I decided after over a year of it being on my wish list to just buy it. I have yet to cook from it but just reading it is so inspiring and had taught me alot. I cannot wait to make some yummy simple food from it.

I have read a little about Alice Waters online and love her vision for food - good locally grown in season food. I hope to find some family favourites in this book.

The weather here in Invercargill is improving and it seems almost spring like most days, the blossom trees around town are looking lovely and bulbs are flowering all over the place. This season makes me so happy its so full of hope for me. I spent an hour in the vege garden yesterday and did my first little bit of planting I am so excited to get this garden feeding my family.

I good morning at the garage sales

2011-08-26T19:58:00.000+12:00

Last weekend I had a fun morning searching garage sales for goodies. I had not done this since before I had kids so its was really fun and I got lots of great stuff.

A chair, a tent, a glass jug, peg board, saltpig, thermos, song book, muffin trays, frame, old school kitchen scales, large wooden box and two boxes and plastic drawers full of sewing goodies... I vote that a good shopping day.

Must do this again so I can tick more things off my vintage wishlist.
Also bargains like getting a tent for $5 make it so very worth it.

A good week

2011-08-19T20:26:00.000+12:00

In the last week we

Went to a cowboy birthday party and the kids rode ponies
Had 2 cousins and an aunty sleepover while the snow fell outside
Played some good old guess who once again while it snowed outside
Went to town with friends and had Starbucks
I scrapbooked one simple page
Went out for dinner to Cobb and co with cousins and aunty
Took our helium balloon to preschool (it didn't come home so not sure what happened to it didn't realise til we were home. I hope it lived its life happily and didn't die a popping death)
I had a boomer of a second hand shopping morning and got goodies that make me happy

Today has been a beautiful day, it started out frosty but ended up so lovely. I enjoyed a bit of a walk this afternoon and enjoyed soaking up some sun. I hope we have more spring like days as they are my favourite.

Pinterest Monday

2011-08-15T11:00:00.000+12:00

I do a little pinning each day on pinterest. I get inspired in so many ways looking at all the pins and finding more things to pin.
Today I am going to share a few of my favourite pins..

I want to pack up some good food, wine and books and go stay there.. Without kids. Oh my!!

I love fairy lights... soooo pretty

I need a house with stairs... well actually I need a house with THESE stairs.

I want these cups SOOOO bad (I don't have an actual link for these but wish I did)

Dream furniture... yes please

I want to buy this pattern so I can make this... I love it

5 minute craft session...

2011-08-09T21:35:00.000+12:00

I love pinterest.. It gives me eye candy every day. It gives me a collector a way to collect images and of course its an amazing way to inspire and to give you an idea of your own style.

I have an overflowing DIY board and of course its all well and good pinned on a virtual pinboard but what about making these things happen..... So I am challenging myself to make more things from pinterest.

I would of had this done sooner but alas I have been sick. I still am but feel slightly better today.

Here is my first little project.
I purchased this book super cheap and like that it had tabs so I could slip the topics up. But its kinda ugly. so I gave it a quick make over with scrapbooking leftovers and my dymo machine. Now its cute and fit for all the blog ideas I intend to write down in it.

The pin that gave me the idea...

the book I started with..

the end result..

Totally not flash... not hard... but I love something quick and easy that makes something prettier.

Feed them. Change them. Keep them safe

2011-08-09T21:14:00.000+12:00

Reading a blog post on Polly Gillespie's facebook page has me thinking.

She was sent an advance copy of the book Breaking silence written (with help) but the mother of the Kahui twins who were horribly killed at the hands of their family. 5 years later nobody has been held accountable for their murders. There was a big out-roar when this book was announced for a variety or reasons.. some for and some against it. Anyway Polly is against and showed on facebook the picture of the book ripped up in the trash. There was some comments good and bad and tonight she wrote a blog post...

Feed them. Change them. Keep them safe.

Followed by a bit of a story of her a mother but with the theme that it is our job to FEED THEM.. CHANGE THEM.. and the big one.. KEEP THEM SAFE.

Here in New Zealand there are just to many stories of child abuse, to many children being seriously hurt and to many children being killed at the hands of those who are supposed to love them the most.

My comment on her blog was..
"I am a SAHM and every day I am sure I can list ten things I "could" have done better... I can list moments I failed horribly at certain things... BUT my kids have always been safe, fed, warm, clothed, LOVED, they know it.. they can feel that they are loved. They feel safe enough to open up to me, safe enough to tell me they are pissed off at me... I know I am not perfect but I do my best every single day. I see the stories in the news and cringe, sometimes cry and wish I could have saved those children. I would give them a home, love and make them feel safe. Its not OK that we are killing the people we should love the most, its just plain NOT OK."

What is it going to take for this to stop, when are people going to stand up and help these kids being hurt. If you sense a friend is struggling with parenting step up and give them a hand, support and help them. Be involved in your family, visit, help each other out and keep an eye out for the kids. Whatever you do please don't turn a blind eye to child abuse... Its not OK.

I love my kids more than anything and I know everyday they know it. I wish every child in New Zealand (or the world) could feel confident that they were loved.

Things I'm loving

2011-07-29T15:56:00.000+12:00

I have been wanting to do a "things I'm loving" post for ages.. finally I am doing it.

Making caramel popcorn for the first time and seeing the pure food joy on my kiddos faces.

Sleepovers in the lounge watching movies and giggling silly girls.

Seeing a friends little boy who I love to bits turn 3 and enjoying his party at McDonalds.

Watching the kiddos put on a silly puppet show at the library.

Thankyou Paisley Jade for hosting "things I'm loving" head on over to read the other posts.

Pinterest challenge....

2011-07-29T15:17:00.000+12:00

I have been thinking this over for some time (and putting off actually starting because that's how I roll).
Each week (or maybe two weeks.. lets be honest) I am going to make something I have pinned on my pinterest boards.. it might be food, it might be craft.. who knows. I will take photos and blog about it. I challenge my fellow crafters/kitchen wizz/inspired people to do the same. If you do please leave me a comment so I can be inspired by your work and please if you do share this challenge feel free to mention my posts so others can come visit me here as well.

I am going to pick my first project tonight and work on it this weekend.. excited? why yes I am.

Woohoo... good times ahead.

A little bit of this and a little bit of that

2011-07-28T18:41:00.000+12:00

A happy meal and coffee break in the park...

Yanking out the crafting suitcase for the kiddos...

A row of little houses made with the crafting suitcase... (the houses were names hip, hop and bop.. because naming houses is normal.... I think)

Smore cookies... make chocolate chip cookies.. right at the end of the cooking pop half a marshmallow on top of each cookies and finish off.. then put a dollop of melted chocolate on top of each cookie.. TO DIE FOR...

A mini crafting session made this headband... and I like it.. I will get even better with more mini crafting sessions.

The all to common scene of a little boy and his Nintendo... its like its super glued to his hands.

I moved my room around and love it.. and I love a nice made bed.. it makes me feel content.

Our cat without the tail enjoying her spot in front of the fire.

And that my friend is some total random blog sharing...
I am feeling a little less foggy today and have had a nice cruisy day.

The fog that surrounds me

2011-07-27T19:50:00.000+12:00

This photo is not related to post at all.... I just wanted a picture on the post and this one made me smile.... bless my crazy kiddos

I want this blog to be a positive place, a place I can share stories and details about my life as a mother, a crafter etc but I also want it to be honest and real.
I suffer from depression and anxiety. I have since I was a teen.
I have had many dark spots and right now I am going through one of those spots.
I came off my medication at the start of this year thinking I was ready to try and control this without it. THEN of course I have gone through some major health issues and two surgeries. Its been a hard year and I have found myself sinking back again. I know I need to go back to my doctor and ask for help again (but she is on holiday so I have to wait til she is back).

I guess I want to write about how I feel NOW.. so I can read this one day and realise how far I have come. So I can remember how it felt to be me right at this moment.

I feel like I have this big dark empty spot inside. Like I am sinking. Like I am surrounded by a thick grey fog that is overtaking everything.
I feel so lonely I have this longing for company, for a connection with someone, for someone to "see" me, to "get" me... heck some someone to love me.
Although I am very aware of the good in my life, I love my kids, I am able to see beauty around me and see the good I find it really hard to actually enjoy it, its like the joy doesn't quite find its way to my heart? I'm not sure how to describe it...
I find it really hard to get motivated as some days everything just seems to hard, I am not sleeping well again and I am so very tired all the time.

I want to laugh and feel it in my soul, I want the joy to light me up inside.
I don't know if that's even possible or if its just my hope for what being "better" would feel like.
But I cannot give up hope that's its possible for me.

Kidzone 2011

2011-07-27T09:00:00.003+12:00

During the winter school holidays there is a local event called Kidzone, basically you buy tickets and once you get inside everything is free (apart from food trucks etc), its held at a local high school campus and there is so much to do there is no way you can do it all.

Because Zeke was sick we took a favourite friend along with his ticket.

They got crazy hair

Had a look in an ambulance and got to put the siren on

Got to look at a baby fire engine and use the fire-hose

Got a cool wound

Went on the bungy tramp (and after lots of "I am going to do double flips etc etc the boy couldn't go a flip and the girl child DID.. woop girls rule)

Played on the all the crazy bikes

Did a little building

Played with clay and used a potters wheel

We also played with HEAPS of bubble making stuff, watched a man do tricks, watched a fire show, played with snow (which after the cool snow we got the next day was kinda lame), learnt a little about fire safety and went through a special maze that showed the kids how to get low and get out, made a lolly bracelet and I am sure other things.

Its a really fun day out and really it would be great to have tickets and go for two days to get to do more of whats available.

Snow snow snow

2011-07-26T20:32:00.000+12:00

Well we got snow on Sunday. We spent the day watching the snow falling and admiring its beauty. While feeling blessed that we were reasonably warm inside with the fire going. The kiddos kept announcing "there is EVEN MORE snow" and my youngest has been saying since "I like snow".

Its Tuesday now and the snow is almost gone from our yard and the sun was trying to shine this afternoon. It gives me hope that spring is getting closer.

The school holidays are in their second week and we have been mostly stuck at home the whole time with Zeke being sick. But its actually been OK, we have just hung out and enjoyed each other. Lots of movies, wii and Nintendo ds playing, stories, cooking, playing schools and other silly games. I will miss the cruisy days once school is back.

Oh how I love my phone

2011-07-18T22:18:00.002+12:00

I love that because of the camera on it I can capture little moments that would not have been captured otherwise.

Grey grey and more grey

2011-07-14T20:17:00.000+12:00

Its winter here. Its grey, wet, windy, cold. Today it was snowing which is kinda pretty (apart from the fact that we had to go wait and catch a bus in it) and of course we rarely get enough for it to settle so it turns to slush and mud which isn't pretty.

(a couple of days ago.. the sky was so grey but in the picture it doesn't look as grey.. hmmm)

(hail hail and more hail)

(snow... hard to tell in photos)

So after we waiting for the bus in the snow we got to town and I made the executive decision that coffee was in order. I do love when they make the drinks cute. Cute makes my days happier.

I am so ready for spring to visit. Tomorrow is the last day of the school term and we have two weeks of winter holidays. Cant wait to slow down and cruise with my kiddos.

Motherhood and its less than awesome side (TMI TMI TMI)

2011-07-13T20:19:00.000+12:00

Today I had the joy of my child vomiting in a shop, not only that but I had been covering his mouth as he coughed and he vomited all over my hands, himself and the trolley... oh and some of the stuff IN the trolley (I will point out other than a bit of a cough before that moment he had been fine).

I had to stand in that spot while a friend let the staff know and could come with things to clean it up (I tried to offer to do it) it felt like it took AGES but I am sure that was just me feeling so bad about it all, I then had to buy him new pants and wipes, clean him up, clean the trolley up and clean up the items we were buying. It was a horrid experience and one I hope not to repeat.

After all this while waiting to layby some toys (luckily not vomited on) he fell asleep in the trolley.

He then spent the day curled up watching DVDs and not feeling to great.. I hate that.. I hate seeing my kids minus their spark.

Tonight at 5.30 he fell asleep, I didn't fight it and just put him to bed, fast forward to 8pm and he gets a full on bleeding nose (this has been happening a bit lately), he was getting really upset about it which I am sure made it worse, so now I have sheets, pillows, pillowcases, blankies, clothes and cloths with blood all over them.

I love being a mother, I will always nurse my kids when they need it, I will sooth and care because that's what mummas do. But really sometimes being a mumma is slightly less than awesome and if nothing else I will always be honest about the job of mothering.

And to top off the day of my youngest being sick my oldest has now shown me a rash all over his body... it never rains but it pours...

When I grow up

2011-07-12T14:10:00.000+12:00

Inspired by Kelle Hamptons blog...

When I grow up..

I want to be able to play a musical instrument

I want to not be ashamed to sing along out of tune to songs that make my heart sing

I want to be a more patient mother

I want to be a more giving and caring friend

I want to have a vegetable garden full of delights and complete with a picket fence (white of course)

I want my own chickens so I can collect fresh eggs each day in a cute basket (yes the basket makes a difference.. it must be cute)

I want to learn to make jam and preserves

I want to learn to quilt and sew (better than my rather unskilled attempts)

I want to be a better housekeeper

I want to be better at seeing the good and not focusing on the bad

I want to find joy in simple things

I want to be a photographer

I want to read more

I want to craft a lot more

I want to stop and smell the roses (literally)

I want to simply find the good in my days, to find the good in the people around me, to be a better me.

July..... good new, goals and positive thinking

2011-07-02T15:42:00.000+12:00

Can you believe its JULY?? where has the year gone.

I am feeling positive and ready to make change... positive good change.

Seven goals for the seventh month.

One... I got the all clear about my breast... no futher follow ups needed. WOOP.. they got all the nasty out and I am so very happy about this news.

Two.. I have started on a new weight loss/healthy living journey, I have not been even worrying about this for the last few months but its time to put some serious focus on my weight and health. I have so very much to lose and its going to be a long hard journey as it took me years to get to where I am now but its going to be worth it.

Three.. I am setting myself a little July challenge to take more photos, to capture the little things that make up our days and to turn it into a "week in the life" project. (first hurdle.. where oh where did I put that camera memory card... its so small.. it could be ANYWHERE)... *note to self ALWAYS put it back in the camera*

Four.. Read four books

Five... Take my oldest son on a mumma and son movie date

Sis... Write letters

Seven... Start sorting the vege garden out

What I'm listening to...

2011-06-28T20:54:00.000+12:00

I sometimes think about my mother and father and think that really I don't know all that much about who they were pre kids... or who they were with kids as they were just my mum and dad to me. I didn't think of them as "people" with interests, passions, likes and dislikes.. they were just my parents. Obviously I know some things about them but not the little things. I want to keep track of things i am into so maybe one day my kids might look back and find out things about me they didn't know.

I want to have maybe a monthly update on "What I am listening to"... A facebook update a while ago summed it up nicely for me

"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life. I can't play it, sing it or dance to it - but I can't live without it"

I listen to music every day, stereo, ipod, computer, radio, TV, youtube... Doesn't matter but I need to have music in my day. My playlist changes all the time and I have a new favourite album most months.

This month I have been listening to my always gals Pink, Joss and India... as well as

The script, pitbull, bad meets evil and Jessie J

The list could go on but well there will be time.

I have lots of singers and songs what remind me of childhood, Tracy Chapman is still a favourite of mine and always makes me think of road trips and I still remember every word to every song.

I sometimes wonder what songs my kids will look back on as "my" songs or artists, what songs will give them good memories.

They sing along to such a range of music, they dance silly dances and know such a variety of music.

They are starting to have their own favourites now and I love that they love music.

Miss Fixit

2011-06-21T12:08:00.000+12:00

So around my home I have a million "one day" projects, a million "I should fix that" projects and well a couple million things I need to do. I have decided its time to get my A into G and get things done. While sorting my bedroom clutter out today I found a decorative wooden box I found as a teen and loved, I have kept all sorts of things in it and then years ago it broke and I never threw it out. Its sentimental so I decided today to finally superglue it together. No skill required and really why I am blogging it I don't know apart from the fact that it is hopefully the start of my Miss Fixit stage.

I am also thinking about setting a wee pinterest DIY challenge for myself and anyone else wanting to join in (hint hint Tracy). More on that soon.

it is now sitting on one of my bedside cabinets with my little collection of favourite things.

Cute love notes

2011-06-16T19:46:00.000+12:00

Waking up to a sweet 7 year old crawling up beside your bed clinging onto a post-it note that she then sneakily sticks to your headboard and then crawls back out again is an awesome way to wake up.

and I finally got an insert for my free cushion cover that came with your home and garden magagzine.. Love it and my nana chair it sits on.

Birthday celebrations in pictures

2011-06-16T11:06:00.000+12:00

A little late and we didnt get alot of pics (well actually hardly any) but it must be in the blog of our life so better late than never here are a couple of my miss Charlie.

Connecting

2011-06-15T23:28:00.000+12:00

Over the last year or so while I struggled a bit with my health I lost a bit of my parenting mojo. I'm not saying I did a bad job but just not my best. I feel like I am getting my mojo back (apart from a horrible grocery shopping with all kids at dinner time experience tonight), I am reading more stories, playing more games, talking more, listening more, and hopefully my kids will feel it and we will all get our family groove on a bit better as we were a struggling a bit. And I am kinda hoping my kids will tone down the fighting and bickering with each other and our home will be all sunshine rainbows and lollipops people... (OK I joke.... kinda).

Weird worms project.. the one time I dig and WANT to find worms I can't find worms... we got a few pathetic ones on the end.

Meccano metal robots - way fun.. going to get more.

Fashion design CDrom and leftover birthday cake.. good times.

Mumma and Zeke lego play time. So cute.

Flowers

2011-06-14T21:58:00.001+12:00

I was given a little bunch of flowers tonight. They smell so nice and make me smile as I walk past them.

I am so blessed.

I was full of energy this morning and did a heap of housework then ended up feeling really sick this afternoon. I think I overdid it slightly. My house looked pretty good though.

2 Months since my first surgery

2011-06-13T20:43:00.000+12:00

Today marks two months since I had my neuro and abdominal surgery. Its been a crazy two months but its been well worth it. I am still getting some headaches and some of them are quite bad but its only one or twice a week that happens and its not to hard to get them under control. I think I am still healing and its going to take time for it to all totally settle down. If I have a coughing fit (like I did a bit recently when I had a cold) I can get an instant headache but that seems to be from the sudden pressure rise in my head and it calms down without to much trouble. This has only happened since surgery and they did explain it in the hospital (things causing the pressure to rise suddenly) I just didn't click that it would be a long term thing.

It feels weird when I wash my hair etc as I can feel the tube etc under my skin but that's something I will need to get used to.. I am finally booked in for a haircut this Friday so hopefully I can stop having to wear hats all the time.

I had the district nurse come again today and she took the drain out of my breast which I was really pleased about as carrying it around was really annoying and I kept getting it caught on things not to mention getting comfortable at night. I feel for people who have them long term. I got a nice waterproof dressing and was so pleased to finally be able to shower (sorry TMI).
I am quite sore and am getting very tired easily but still am amazed as I was preparing myself for much worse.

Overall its been a crazy two months, two surgery's, two hospitals and lots of appointments in between but its going to help me be healthier and feel better.

My silver lining from it all really is my new outlook, I am seeing and appreciating things I took for granted, I am enjoying things again (the migraines and headaches made it really hard some days to get through let alone enjoy the day), I get to the end of some days like today and feel like I am parenting better more like I used to a few years ago before my health problems seemed to start.

I am grateful for the public health system and all the doctors and nurses who have had a part in my journey because they are amazing. Too often you hear people complain about the public system and I am sure some of them are valid but man oh man they have been there for me when I needed it.

A birthday for my baby

2011-06-12T20:58:00.000+12:00

On Friday my sweet daughter turned seven. It was also the day I had my surgery so I was really bummed to not spend more time with her. I had to leave home at 7.15am so I got to wake her up and have a snuggle and hear her first words as a seven year old..... "mumma I'm seven"... my yes you are.

My mother got the kids ready for the day and took them and my little sister to McDonalds for breakfast. She then had an amazing day at school, then went to her dads after school and had a fun afternoon and a party dinner and then came home around 8pm... I got to surprise her with her last pressie (new bedding) and catchup on her day before getting them all off to sleep.

The night before her birthday we went bowling and to kfc for tea as an early celebration and she got most of her pressies then so overall it was a real win of a birthday..

I cannot believe its been 7 years since I first held that slipperly little baby in my arms.

Phone pics sorry as camera has flat batteries

I love love love her new bedding and the pics are not that good.. Its so pretty and I got it from HERE. If you are after new bedding for your kids this site is great they have beautiful stuff, they do layby and their service is amazing I had purchased off them several time and have always been impressed.